Loss

Good Afternoon,

So a year ago to the day I was sat on my parents sofa, about to go have brunch with an old friend, when a phone call would change my life forever.

The phone rang some time around 10am, all I remember was the screaming, it was my mother who answered and  somehow managed through the screaming and the tears to understand exactly what my aunty was telling her. My grate aunt was dead.

I am not going to go in to to much detail here but simply put this was not a natural death. My aunt however had been ill for a rather long time.

My grate aunt was my grandmothers younger sister on my fathers side. I am and always have been very close to my grandmother, I knew that her sister was her closest friend in all the world, so I knew the first question, after who? what? where? why? when?, had to be "nan does she know?"

 The reply hit me like a tone of bricks "No".

I began to loose my breath as I realised as a family unit we where going to have to break the news that would shatter my nan's world to pieces. First though we had to tell my farther who was at his martial arts class, not contactable by phone my mother shoved us all in the back of a taxi, leaving us at my aunts house as she went off to find my dad.

when both my dad and grandmother had been told the horrific news, we just sat some times in silence, some times asking questions, sometimes smiling at memories but for the most part we just sat crying.

My young cousin  H, who is exceptionally clever for his age spent the entirety of the day and the rest of September attached to my grandmothers arm, letting her know that he loved her every few minutes and even vetting all her phone calls by asking "who is it? you wont make my nan cry again will you?" he truly is the sweetest.

We went out for a family meal, of course not to celebrate but we feel like we needed to do something to mark the significance of the date.

A few weeks came and went, it was so odd trying to carry on like all was normal when nothing felt real but then it was time for the journey down to the funeral. It was a long drive but it was also nice to be spending the time with my family. We talked about memories and the future and even opened up about how we wanted our funerals to be, a very important conversation I think.

My grate aunt being the amazing super woman she was, had arranged everything for her self before her passing and the service was beautiful. She truly was one of the most amazing people you could ever meet, she was kind, caring, giving and so humble you never would have known meeting her on the street the battles she went through every day. She was strength incarnate unfortunately when the time came it was this strength that was her undoing. In her life time she touched so many people's hearts and this became evident when on a cool September day, in a small kentish town over 200 people turned out  to pay there last respects.

The funeral ended and we went back to her old church, where local people had volunteered to help out, we had food and I got to meet a lot of new family members. It was levelly to hear so many new stories of my aunt and my grandma as kids, especially form cool eccentric cousins covered in teddy boy tattoos or just back from the work as a world rewound sociologist.

After a few days we came back home and started our day to day lives again. I was moving in to a new house, loosing my job, starting a new Masters Degree and continuing my position as chair for the burlesque society all at the same time but I got through it all with a sense of numbness.

As much as am angry my Masters has cost me so much money at the time it really was the best therapy, the lectures are amazing and the group of people I met where grate. We all got on like a family instantly. It turns out that one of my course friends and a lecturer had both recently lost somebody to, so they had decided to run a session on the concept of closure it was a beautiful session where every single person opened up about their personal losses, again many tears where shed but it was beautiful. I have no where near succeeded in my MA on an academic level, but on a personal level it probably was £10,000 well spent.

During this year I also lost my best friend in the whole wide world, my cat sooty. As a kitten he was the runt of the litter and was never expected to reach a year, he lived to be around 13! I would spend days with him as a kitten just lying with my head next to his not able to pick him up or really touch him, just making a connection and letting him know he was loved. as he got stronger I would give him lots of cuddles and we would play all of the time. He and his sister daisy where very close in the early years and he would try and copy everything she did, from jumping out of second story windows or jumping from roof to roof to hunt birds, daisy however was a lot less clumsy and it was a constant chore to ensure he did not fall and hurt himself.

Being the runt of the litter meant sooty was never much of a fighter, he was however a lover. The cat was a complete sex pest, considering he had been neuterd as a kitten it was an impressive feet, he literally humped every teddy bear I ever owned until we gave him his own, in fairness to him you would often find him cuddling up to the poor bear afterwards!  Aside from the humping though he really was the most loving cat. I remember holding him in my arms one morning as my dad gave me a kiss good bye before work, sooty watched intently and when my dad had gone lifted his little face to give me a kiss on the cheek. He was always there for me and could sense when I  had a really bad day at school giving me lots of cuddles and kisses. He could always tell something was not right so the day I packed my bags and moved to uni he jumped on my bed and lay with his head on the pillow next to mine. He starred in to my face like I had done with him all those years ago, before taking his paw and stroking my face for about a min  there was no one else in the world. I really was in love with that cat (not in a crazy bestiality way!)  I missed him so much when I was away and I know he missed me to, he changed his behaviour became more defensive and wouldn't come for cuddles that often. When I was home though he would still jump up for cuddles and sleep next to my bed. at the end of 2012 his breathing began to deteriorate and he made a wheezing noise with every breath. My mum and dad had gone to Malaysia on a once in a life time trip so I stayed to look after him. I hopped he would go in his sleep one night, just drift away in peace so I could be there for him without fear. Sadly it was not the case and in the January my parents finally took him to be put down. I wasn't there and it killed me but at the same time I knew I wouldn't  have been able to be strong enough in that situation. I would of just wanted to grab him and hold him tight and never let him go. He must of been so scared he hated the vets, but sooty being sooty he would never fight out he would just cower in the corner purring his little head off hoping someone would love him enough not to hurt him. 

I miss him every single day. I miss them both so so much. 

This world just is not the same, it feels like I have literally changed worlds like I have got up and jumped ship to a world where my aunty is not there baking the best cake and taking care of everyone and then to a world where my cat is not there to greet me when I come home or make me feel better when I am sad. It feels like those worlds still exist and its not them that have left but me, they will always be in those worlds but I never will again I am in this new world that has new grate things in it but is also a little empty because those two angels are not here. 

As a pagan I believe in reincarnation, I am yet to decide if I believe that spiritually, their souls are reborn or rather more literally in the sense that their bodies have become earth and that earth has become plant life and that plant life has become food and that food has become energy. 

What I do know for sure is the memory of them will stay with me forever, whenever I eat a freshly baked jam tart, or see a book on faeries I will always remember my aunt. Whenever I see a cute kitty or laugh at the sight of a teddy bear I will always think of my sooty. 

I hope wherever they are, they are at peace and safe in the knowledge that they vastly improved the lives of others whilst on this little rock named earth. Love you and miss you both

R.I.P  xxx

Aunty and my nan in the 60's

my baby boy