So I am a 5ft nothing, pare shaped, no boobed, round faced, frizzy haired hipunkemoth with a number of skin conditions but one of my missions for this year is to have a portfolio good enough to send to Spirit models agency, an alt/pin up modelling agency that connects models with the commercial industry. Why? because I can!
When I was in school I had massive body issues, like many teenage girls do but I got bullied a lot about my looks. I did not "fit" in to the current parameters of beauty (if it was the 50's it would of been a different story!) my round features, frizzy hair, 'corn beef arms' (keratosis pilaris) and dark body hair made me a bit of a target during my school years. I believed for many years I was not good enough in some way, this unfortunately conflicted with my rather extroverted, exhibitionist personality.
Although I had my issues as a kid I was always posing around and loved being in front of the camera (just ask anyone in my family or on my myspace friend list!) I tried, in my mid teens, to sign up to a model/ acting agency and although they let me in they only ever got me one job as an extra for channel 4 and they then took my payment as commission! I never heard anything from them again and I figured that would be that! Shortly after I left school however I started dying my hair really bright colours and wearing really odd clothes and people started to ask to take my picture. I would get stopped in the street by tourists, photographers and just passers by it felt ace. I started modelling for friends studying photography and began building a bit of a portfolio.
After every photo shoot however I always felt a little disappointed because I had had so much fun and felt amazing but when I got the pictures back I was never the image of 'perfection' I wanted to be. I would beat myself up for days about it and would mean going months between shoots because I would need to recover from the disappointment of the last. I was always stubborn though, I would always pull my self out of it and I NEVER went on a diet. I have never been over or under weight in my adult life and although my diet has not always been healthy I have never been a unhealthy weight so I figure why change?!
Once I came to university the modelling slowed down, as I moved to a new place and began meeting new people. It was still a dream however so I would buy magazines with models in I found beautiful and inspiring and would pin the images up across my room. In 2010 I set up the Burlesque Society at the University and really started to get in to vintage/ pin up fashion.
As part of the society I started to learn a lot about pin up posing, facial expression, make up and hair so began reaching out for photographers again. I was still a bit apprehensive about putting myself out there with my 'stats' being what they where but I loved doing it so I was brave and started modelling again.
I still struggled with my post shoot blues but I found working with photographers I trusted, respected and got on with really helped me loosen up and remember why I was doing it in the first place! So I kept going and I am so glad I did.
During 2012-2013 I took a bit of a break from modelling as I was doing lots of youth work and teacher trainer type things but I soon realised it was something I would really miss and I started to get back in to the swing of things. As I have now been modelling for nearly 9 years on and off I feel it is the right time to really push it and see if it can go any further, without having the boob job, the jaw enhancement ect.. after all you only live once (in this body any way!)
Earlier today I watched a documentary on young girls trying to make it in the fashion industry, they where starving, miserable and unhealthy. I don't ever want to be that and if I did I would stop modelling all together! I think I have always taken for granted my love for posing and showing off in front of a camera is not shared by everyone and my willingness to get stuck in there spending my weekends sat in bird poop or broken glass all in the aim of capturing that one image is not something many people would be willing to do! It is this love for modelling that makes me a good model, not my perfect skin, or strong jaw or long legs, but my passion and drive for what I do!
During the 1990’s a subculture movement took place across America
and to a lesser extent here in the UK, it was a post punk feminist movement
known as Riot Girrls. Riot Girrls combined grunge with punk and feminism, they
were women completely unapologetic about being female. They saw taboo subjects such
as the menstrual cycle, mood swings and female sexuality as topics to be completely
open about.
I grew up in the 90’s and remember being so inspired by
these women who simply did not give a fuck if their un-waxed vaginas offended
you they were going to sing about them anyway! I loved bands such as Bikini
Kill, Jack off Jill, Bitch and Kittie, the sight of these strong pissed off women
was awe inspiring for me growing up.
Aside from the music of the time there was also a website
set up in the early 2000’s by two women in America. (I am not going to name names
but if I say a site full of alternative tattooed beauties I am sure you can
guess or Google it.) The aim of the site was to allow women apart of this and
other subcultures to own their bodies own their sexuality and showcase their
beauty. It was sexual empowerment at its best. During my teenage years I was obsessed
by this site and idolised its models, who were women of all different shapes
and sizes, with spiky hair and lots of tattoos. The women on this site did not
feel far away, they felt real and that is where their beauty laid. Throughout
my teenage years I looked up to these women and decided once I hit 18 I would
put in my application to become one of them.
At the age of 17 I began
researching everything I could to ensure I got through, unfortunately what I
found was not pretty.
This was 2007 and the Riot Girrrl/grunge area had defiantly
ended, it had been replaced first by Emo and then by Scene. Obviously small
groups still existed here and there but by this point the rebellious, disillusioned youth feel of the 80’s and 90’s had somewhat disappeared. Although many people
within the subcultures where still there due to their anger and frustration
with society many more had joined in simply due to the fashion statement it
would make. I walk in to high street shops these days and see items of clothing
steeped in cultural history, which only a few years ago would have been almost impossible
to get hold of being mass produced for fashion following celebrity culture
teenagers. Where ever possible I try to avoid sounding pretentious but this is
just one of those things that really winds me up! Since the early 2000’s
fashion and culture has become increasingly more focused on the idea of celebrity
and glamour girls. The alternative communities have not been unaffected by this
and so websites and magazines featuring alternative models have altered their
image to keep with the times. The
particular site in question has a number of points on its model contracts
really don’t sit all that well with an angry feminist like myself. Rules on how much eye make up a punk can wear
for example, or the need for soft lighting just seems crazy when talking about
a website where women own their bodies, read a little further and it is clear
that is because they don’t! On signing the contract you agree all images belong
to the website to use how and when they wish, this could be on the site on
social networking or for use on merchandise, they are also renowned for never
removing images, so if you become a teacher or decide actually the company is
not what it once was they will still continue to use your image without paying
any more than the initial £250 fee (that’s only if you get on the front page
now) . They also claim the right to edit the images how they see fit and give
clear indication that they Photoshop all of their images.
I mean fair play they are a global business with paying
members (who now have the final say on what girls get to model for the site)
and they are probably the most renowned alt girl site around, however I just
feel the spirit of the whole thing has been lost. When you are imposing rules
on how the models can look in the images and editing the images in the same
way, you end up with a website full of very similar looking women with a very
narrow spectrum of what alt beauty is. Sure they have women of different
shapes, sizes colour ect.. but if you look at the models on the site today (above) compared to the models of 01 and 02 (top image) there is a definite shift to more commercialised looking women.
Don’t get
me wrong I think this site as it is now is grate for what it is but it is not
what it was.
Recently I reconsidered joining the site, my thought process
being what the heck you only live once, I am getting older every minute and
although there are negatives it is such a well-known company the exposure (pardon
the pun) is probably worth it. I got through the first round but as I began
searching for a photographer and reading through the contract I became more and
more uneasy with the idea. I did not feel I would be protected by the site it
felt very exploitative, a host of male and female members would vote on my
image set and I would only get paid/accepted if I made it on to the first page.
To be honest it felt like prostituting myself like being one of those girls in
an Amsterdam window. I am under no illusion that with my tiny boobs, big hips
and round face I would have found it very difficult to compete with the naturally
proportioned, beautiful women I would have been put next to in the line-up. This
is not me shaming them they are beautiful and so am I but there is an editorial
look that will always be voted for in situations like these because that is
what we have been lead to believe is beautiful in the eyes of the media.
I decided not to go
for it, but I felt sad that this opportunity I had been waiting for, for so long
was no longer an option to me. I lay awake grappling with this for a few nights
until it all fell in to place and I said why don’t I do it myself? I wanted a
certain sort of space, to display certain sorts of images within a certain set
of values; I could no longer find it where I once had so why not create that
space for myself?
I decided to message a few friends of mine that are now on
bored and I am in the process of researching how to set something like this up
I am also writing a constitution that will set the standards for how this site will be run!!!
I am not shaming sites and websites or their models; in fact
a very good friend of mine has just put her application in for this particular
site and I am so proud and excited for her I know she will go far! But what
about the rest of us that might not fit with a certain image, or want somewhere
a little different, what about the misfits and the outcasts? There used to be
room for us but not any more! So I am reclaiming a little spot on the internet
where you can come, get as naked as you like, feel as sexy and as beautiful as
you like where people will either like you or they won’t but it won’t matter as
the aim is not to please everybody only yourself!
So a year ago to the day I was sat on my parents sofa, about to go have brunch with an old friend, when a phone call would change my life forever.
The phone rang some time around 10am, all I remember was the screaming, it was my mother who answered and somehow managed through the screaming and the tears to understand exactly what my aunty was telling her. My grate aunt was dead.
I am not going to go in to to much detail here but simply put this was not a natural death. My aunt however had been ill for a rather long time.
My grate aunt was my grandmothers younger sister on my fathers side. I am and always have been very close to my grandmother, I knew that her sister was her closest friend in all the world, so I knew the first question, after who? what? where? why? when?, had to be "nan does she know?"
The reply hit me like a tone of bricks "No".
I began to loose my breath as I realised as a family unit we where going to have to break the news that would shatter my nan's world to pieces. First though we had to tell my farther who was at his martial arts class, not contactable by phone my mother shoved us all in the back of a taxi, leaving us at my aunts house as she went off to find my dad.
when both my dad and grandmother had been told the horrific news, we just sat some times in silence, some times asking questions, sometimes smiling at memories but for the most part we just sat crying.
My young cousin H, who is exceptionally clever for his age spent the entirety of the day and the rest of September attached to my grandmothers arm, letting her know that he loved her every few minutes and even vetting all her phone calls by asking "who is it? you wont make my nan cry again will you?" he truly is the sweetest.
We went out for a family meal, of course not to celebrate but we feel like we needed to do something to mark the significance of the date.
A few weeks came and went, it was so odd trying to carry on like all was normal when nothing felt real but then it was time for the journey down to the funeral. It was a long drive but it was also nice to be spending the time with my family. We talked about memories and the future and even opened up about how we wanted our funerals to be, a very important conversation I think.
My grate aunt being the amazing super woman she was, had arranged everything for her self before her passing and the service was beautiful. She truly was one of the most amazing people you could ever meet, she was kind, caring, giving and so humble you never would have known meeting her on the street the battles she went through every day. She was strength incarnate unfortunately when the time came it was this strength that was her undoing. In her life time she touched so many people's hearts and this became evident when on a cool September day, in a small kentish town over 200 people turned out to pay there last respects.
The funeral ended and we went back to her old church, where local people had volunteered to help out, we had food and I got to meet a lot of new family members. It was levelly to hear so many new stories of my aunt and my grandma as kids, especially form cool eccentric cousins covered in teddy boy tattoos or just back from the work as a world rewound sociologist.
After a few days we came back home and started our day to day lives again. I was moving in to a new house, loosing my job, starting a new Masters Degree and continuing my position as chair for the burlesque society all at the same time but I got through it all with a sense of numbness.
As much as am angry my Masters has cost me so much money at the time it really was the best therapy, the lectures are amazing and the group of people I met where grate. We all got on like a family instantly. It turns out that one of my course friends and a lecturer had both recently lost somebody to, so they had decided to run a session on the concept of closure it was a beautiful session where every single person opened up about their personal losses, again many tears where shed but it was beautiful. I have no where near succeeded in my MA on an academic level, but on a personal level it probably was £10,000 well spent.
During this year I also lost my best friend in the whole wide world, my cat sooty. As a kitten he was the runt of the litter and was never expected to reach a year, he lived to be around 13! I would spend days with him as a kitten just lying with my head next to his not able to pick him up or really touch him, just making a connection and letting him know he was loved. as he got stronger I would give him lots of cuddles and we would play all of the time. He and his sister daisy where very close in the early years and he would try and copy everything she did, from jumping out of second story windows or jumping from roof to roof to hunt birds, daisy however was a lot less clumsy and it was a constant chore to ensure he did not fall and hurt himself.
Being the runt of the litter meant sooty was never much of a fighter, he was however a lover. The cat was a complete sex pest, considering hehad been neuterd as a kitten it was an impressive feet, he literally humped every teddy bear I ever owned until we gave him his own, in fairness to him you would often find him cuddling up to the poor bear afterwards! Aside from the humping though he really was the most loving cat. I remember holding him in my arms one morning as my dad gave me a kiss good bye before work, sooty watched intently and when my dad had gone lifted his little face to give me a kiss on the cheek. He was always there for me and could sense when I had a really bad day at school giving me lots of cuddles and kisses. He could always tell something was not right so the day I packed my bags and moved to uni he jumped on my bed and lay with his head on the pillow next to mine. He starred in to my face like I had done with him all those years ago, before taking his paw and stroking my face for about a min there was no one else in the world. I really was in love with that cat (not in a crazy bestiality way!) I missed him so much when I was away and I know he missed me to, he changed his behaviour became more defensive and wouldn't come for cuddles that often. When I was home though he would still jump up for cuddles and sleep next to my bed. at the end of 2012 his breathing began to deteriorate and he made a wheezing noise with every breath. My mum and dad had gone to Malaysia on a once in a life time trip so I stayed to look after him. I hopped he would go in his sleep one night, just drift away in peace so I could be there for him without fear. Sadly it was not the case and in the January my parents finally took him to be put down. I wasn't there and it killed me but at the same time I knew I wouldn't have been able to be strong enough in that situation. I would of just wanted to grab him and hold him tight and never let him go. He must of been so scared he hated the vets, but sooty being sooty he would never fight out he would just cower in the corner purring his little head off hoping someone would love him enough not to hurt him. I miss him every single day. I miss them both so so much. This world just is not the same, it feels like I have literally changed worlds like I have got up and jumped ship to a world where my aunty is not there baking the best cake and taking care of everyone and then to a world where my cat is not there to greet me when I come home or make me feel better when I am sad. It feels like those worlds still exist and its not them that have left but me, they will always be in those worlds but I never will again I am in this new world that has new grate things in it but is also a little empty because those two angels are not here. As a pagan I believe in reincarnation, I am yet to decide if I believe that spiritually, their souls are reborn or rather more literally in the sense that their bodies have become earth and that earth has become plant life and that plant life has become food and that food has become energy. What I do know for sure is the memory of them will stay with me forever, whenever I eat a freshly baked jam tart, or see a book on faeries I will always remember my aunt. Whenever I see a cute kitty or laugh at the sight of a teddy bear I will always think of my sooty. I hope wherever they are, they are at peace and safe in the knowledge that they vastly improved the lives of others whilst on this little rock named earth. Love you and miss you both R.I.P xxx
So if you have been following my Facebook for the last 2 years you will know me and money don't seem to get along, well I lie I get along with money just fine when I have it! Now I am not gonna go off blaming the world and his wife (although I kind of am) I know it is my fault I have always lived above my means, divine decadence and all that Jazz
However I can't help feeling severely trodden on by our fine government. I know I know I am not the only one and there are people worse off than me but really am I not allowed to be even slightly pissed off that my education has put me in to £20,000+ worth of debt and I have fuck all to show for it!
If you had asked me at aged 7 what my ambition was in life I would of told you it was to go to university, it is all I ever wanted to do, I looked up to all those cool kids in the 90's teen flicks heading off to college to sit on beanbags in dark rooms, drinking coffee and saying things like "I think therefore I am and the wisest man knows he knows nothing". I was going to shave my hair off (like I did) and join protests and rallies and publish amazing pieces of work (which I did not) and at the end of it I was going to graduate and I was going to take up a high position at the UN or an awesome charity or I was going to sit in my country cottage publishing grate works of poetry and philosophy.
Well I did graduate and it was awesome, I got through the three years that turned out to be the most challenging three years my personal life had ever faced, I passed a course that everyone told me not to do, not only did I pass but I got a First Class, a grade that only a year earlier would of entitled me to a free Masters degree but no, I still had to pay £6,000 to sit an MA. and what do I have to show for it? daily calls from my numerous deters and a two nights a week bar job serving happy go lucky 18 year olds toxins that they can spew up the next morning.
It just makes me sick, not because I think bar work is below me, if anything I know full well anyone who thrives in the retail and leisure industry has skills far out weighing my own but because I have fought for this. I have gritted my teeth and I have pushed through every early morning, every special ed class, every English test paper I knew I had all ready lost marks on because of my dyslexia, every test that required far superior memory capacity to my own, every lunch time I spent eating my lunch in a toilet cubical to avoid having my head kicked in, every bus ride when I was spat at and shouted at and had my shoes and my bag stolen every fucking day that I woke up wishing I was dead. I got up I packed my bag and I achieved. I made sure that I achieved that grade A English GCSE. even though I was told at age 5 I would never pass an English exam, I made sure that remained polite and looked at everyone with caring eyes even those who had abused me, I made sure that I still got a First Class degree even though I was dealing with crippling anxiety and the end of a five year relationship, so I sure as hell made sure I got a place on a MA course even though it was going to put me £10,000 further in debt.
Yet still I have nothing more to show for it than a piece of paper and a part time job. I get told so often that my problem is I am not willing to work hard to get success my argument is that I all ready have and it has got me no where!
Now I am willing to say OK in this day and age non industry specific degree's are pretty worthless, so I spend over 700 hours volunteering wherever I can to make sure I have experience, it is yet to provide any solid opportunity. I have even said OK I will start from the bottom again I will do an apprenticeship I will retrain for an NVQ but nnnooooo if you have a degree in the UK you receive no help funding NVQ training, you are not eligible for an apprenticeship scheme you also can not access any support from organisations such as the Prince's Trust. The assumption being if you have a degree you won't need financial support to find a job. In 2013 however the assumption that a degree leads to employment is just one of the most out dated ridicules assumptions. I was told directly by a course lead that by completing a masters degree would allow me to enter jobs paying £30,000-£40,000 a year well BULL SHIT I am struggling to get interviews for jobs paying half that amount.
I also have an issue as living with my partner means my finances are no longer my own in the eyes of the government, I can't apply for Job seekers or any sort of income support as my partner works a 40 hour week, lets not take in to account his student debt levels or anything. I can't even apply for a debt consolidation plan without having to involve my other half, he does not want to do that, have me come in and affect his credit rating? I think not
It is just so frustrating I am slipping through every gap in every net and there is so little in the way of support. I was always told that the first step of reaching out for help was the hardest, what bollocks, finding some one to catch you whilst fall is the difficult part.
I know something will come along eventually and in the mean time I just need to keep swimming against this tide of shit but just for today I am going to wallow in a pit of self pity eating my weight in chocolate biscuits just hoping for a brake.
So around a year ago I was having lunch with a friend of a friend when she stated:
"youth culture does not exist any more, there used to be punks and teddy boys and ravers but now there is nothing"
my response?
"it is there you just need to know where to find it"
I of course was referring to the internet. In my last blog post I included on-line screen names when talking about my many identities, because for me they are also a big a part of my identity.
We got the internet at home around 2002-2003. I remember the dial up sounds screeching through the hall way and my dad screaming at me for hogging up the phone line some how ,however, I still managed to spend hours and hours at a time, on websites like not cool club and vampirefreaks "socialising" with people from across the world.
It is no secret I never really fitted in at school, I was always a bit of an odd ball who viewed the world differently and although I have one or two very close friends from my childhood for the most part I did not really connect with other children locally. The internet therefore opened so many doors for people like me, I was exposed to a whole new world, most of it good!
I found people who had similar outlooks on life that lived in America, Australia and other parts of the UK. It was the perfect time for a pre-teen like me. I no longer had to feel like a loaner, sure I did at school but as soon as I got home the PC was on and I was MSN chatting until the early hours.
Now this was the early years and all the dangers had not fully been assessed but I was a clever girl and knew not to go giving out personal details or arrange meet ups with strangers! TBH I became skilled at spotting paedophiles from a mile off A/S/L (age/sex/location) followed by an instant invite to web cam no thank you Mr creepy pants! It seems almost alien now days thinking of how many strangers I would chat to on a daily basis, when now there are so many privacy settings and friend requests about but as I say most where good experiences!
I began finding myself more, became more confident and assured in my own world view, found like minded people who introduced me to subcultures, music and fashion! We had our own language and still do LOL, ROFL ect.. I became skilled in the art of HTML and basic programming designing my own websites and decorating my profile pages as if they where my own room because in a way they where, they where Myspace (see what I did there?) to be me.
Since 2003 ssoooo much stuff has progressed on-line that I am now the older generation, when it comes to social networking I come from the Myspace era pre C++ and the YouTube generation. The subculture's I was apart of like vampirefreaks, bebo, MSN, Newgrounds have been developed, they have changed, expanded or have been replace for a new generation.
There are still new subcultures seen in the physical world scene kids, CHAV's ect.. but I think the internet is now an integral part of any subculture. The internet brings subcultures together from across the globe, heck I am subscribed to four Harajuku and K-pop youtube channels! It allows people to express them selves creatively and communicate with each other on a global level.
I distinctly remember a sociology lesson in 2005 when my teacher told me we where no where close to globalisation, in many ways we are still not but on the internet globalisation is fact, it is a way of life. I have come to a point where I don't even feel the need to travel the world to experience it, I can watch videos or live streams or have web chats with people all over the globe I can experience the world through another human being's eyes just as you can see through mine on my blog, facebook, instergram and youtube; it is all so exciting.
Unfortunately however the internet is under threat, Big Brother has his watchful eyes over everything you say and do in this virtual reality and things are being manipulated in ways it is hard to know what or who to believe. Commercial business is starting to take over and run this new exciting venture like they have always run things and unfortunately it is not going to work. I truly hope something comes along to wake these guys up before the joy of the internet is lost for good. I am all ready loosing faith in facebook every time I am asked to pay for a post or an advert pops up "recommended for me" based on my on-line activity, I just feel awful inside. It is like your friends mid-life crises dad has come and crashed the party making everyone feel awkward.
I hope for the sake of future generations the internet does remain a positive exciting portal to the rest of the world and even beyond. This is not to say every young person should stay glued to a laptop or tablet but the internet should continue to compliment young people's experience of this world allowing them to view the world past the end of their street, from the comfort of their own homes.
(Before you even leave a comment I know the internet has lots of porn but when you have humans you have a need for sexual gratification it is what we do, we just need to educate young people on healthy uses of the internet including accessing pornography in a positive way.)
So as my blog uses my burlesque name I figured I would take you on a tour of my many names and where they came from.
1. Charlotte Louise- birth name, pretty standard I was told that my parents gave me a name that could be shortened in to a boys name i.e Charles or Charlie, which fits with my sisters name that can be shortened to George. I think they were trying to tell us something! As a child I did not mind my name now days I often forget it is mine as I use so many others! I have heard from those in to numerology my name is rather fitting for me to, so that's nice :)
2. Charlie/ Charlie kid- Mainly used by my family members throughout my life and used by one or two of my childhood friends, an ex-boyfriend of mine used to love the name Charlie yet rarely called me it in person.
4. Lottie/Lottie Lou/ Lou- A version of my name I was determined to give my self when I learnt of its existence at age 14. It sounded much more quaint and feminine than Charlie, although never being quaint and or particularly feminine my self I thought it may change my persona. I began introducing my self as Lottie to new people and it eventually caught on.
During my college years I went through a cyber/rainbow/Lolita goth phase where everything had to be cute and colourful (see image below). During this time Lottie was not cute enough so I shortened my middle name to Lou and added that to my nick name. It caught on with a small handful of people, my mother I think is the only person who uses it. this was also a contender for my first burlesque name but after my first burlesque lesson I was told "it is very cheesecake" meaning cute/comedy and was put off the idea. In hindsight it was the look I was going for but never the less it was probably better to give my self a whole new persona.
Although Lottie Lou did not really catch on I do have one close childhood friend who shortened it completely and now simply calls me Lou. It is short, sweet and special and is something just me and her share which is lovely :)
5. Lollita La Rouge- My first real burlesque name, spelt wrong due to my dyslexia never put right because it made me stand out. Often very funny when postmen delivered the post to Miss La Rouge we had a good giggle. The Lollita part was inspired in some part from Lottie but also from my interest in Japanese Lolita fashion. Lolita of course is the title of Vladimir Nabokov's novel from 1955, a rather uncomfortable story of a paedophile step farther and a young highly sexualised 12 year old girl. Now first and for most child sexual abuse is excessively wrong, I currently volunteer for a number of charities supporting victims of this horrible crime, I figure I best get that out there before you all go bat shit crazy at me. However I did also choose the name, in part, because of that book. As a teenager I worked in the field of sexual health, I have always been comfortable with the concept of sex and sexuality, finding the British outlook on the issue completely backwards. It is OK to eat your breakfastcereal watching hundreds of people die in war torn countries yet we can't celebrate or discuss people joing together in love, the creation of new life the miracle that is sex? I know it is a taboo subject and I do not expect it to be completely open for discussion, it shouldn't be but neither should it be repressed to the extent it is. I am THAT type of philosophy student who, like Socrates, likes to mess with people's perception of the world, I like to shake things up a bit and get people thinking, instead of people just flowing through life accepting their fate, for me the name Lolita reflects that attitude, shaking things up a bit challenging social norms. It also means something cute but not so inicent and at the time it was how a saw myself. I am the eternaly baby faced and as much as I wanted to be treated like an adult through my teenage years I still looked like a child, Lollita was my stage persona a baby faced girl who had a wicked streak exactly the person I wanted to be. La Rouge came about as I had coloured my hair a bright red and I decided the contrast of the sophisticated fiery red head with the cute but wicked Lollita would work well together.
6. Miss Sticky Sweet- After three years of finding my self at university, setting up a burlesque society and using the stage for silent protest against societal norms I really felt like I had got something out of my system. I needed to be Lollita when I was but now I was growing up and settling down, the wild child that was now preferred a night in watching youtube vids rather than shaking up social norms, I wear brown now!!! I did not want to give burlesque up, it is still super fun, I just wanted a chance to take things slower, be more precise and make a clear split between my on and off stage personalities. So I sat down and tried to figure out what was my unique selling point, what separated my acts from the others? It turned out I had a habit of covering my self or the audience in a variety of substances, I covered my self in cookie crumbs, fake blood, fake snow ect.. I also realised that I did fit in to the cheesecake genre, I was not "sexy" on stage and I did not want to be I wanted to be silly and light hearted. Burlesque in its original meaning is to make a mockery of something, I wanted to mock a culture that said sexy had to adhere to a certain set of rules, a culture that said bombing other countries and page 3 models where OK to be in our morning paper but breast feeding and nipple tassels were to risky for the light of day. Miss Sticky Sweet was born, obviously the name draws inspiration from the Def Leppard song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" a classic and a perfect anthem for someone like Miss Sticky Sweet. Miss Sticky Sweet's tag line "She's One Hot Mess" is a fun play on words signifying she is "hot" and "messy"
in a semi sexy way but also that she is actually not sexy and in fact a bit of a clown. It is also a come back to an individual who at the beginning of my burlesque days disagreed with many of my choices on character, styling and even what I wore to rehearse my acts in. Often remarking "here comes hot mess" when I would enter a room. It is me saying your right I am a hot mess in more ways than one and I love it!
7. Dottie- the combination of mine and my partners name used when ever we do things together we use Dottie palace for example to describe our home together <3 firefly is also a cute pet name he has given me.
Some names that never caught on in the physical world
1. Darkcloudes_filldasky- A screen name used for the social networking site vampirefreaks, pre Facebook and possibly even myspace. As you can see I was a very morbid teenager, note the "da" instead of "the" though possibly an attempt at appearing more gangster more likely just because the name was to long for the website. Vampirefreaks will also hold some very fond memories in my heart, it was one of the first social networking sites I accessed, it included group pages, a profile page and a space to write a minni blog called a diary. Many if my Diary entries went like this:
Slit my wrists and I bleed Ink
What I say is not pretty it is not pink
2. Punk_sandwicht- My very first MSN screen name punk as that is how I saw my self at the time, sandwicht because a kid at school had spent the afternoon shouting abuse in my face. "you fucking goth" me and some friends decided to mess with him by telling him we were not goths but sandwiches, a new sub-culture I was a cheese sandwich someone else a tunamayo ect.. we had him fooled for a number of weeks. I then also wanted to add a "t" as in "witch" because it was around the time I was discovering my Pagan path. My father who is as dyslexic as me however typed out the time and thus became punk_sandwicht
3.Dorris Delay- during the myspace area and my first spark of interest in the burlesque world, I thought Dorris Delay was a clever play on the name Doris Day, using the word Delay as in Delay peddle for a guitar. she would of been a punk rockabilly character but she never got off the ground. Also spelt wrong as that is kind of my thing!
4. Lollie Rocks- A musical venture that consisted of me taking a singing lesson from a very eccentric hippie woman, writing two awful songs and publishing them under the title of lollie rocks on myspace (page is still up unfortunately!) inspired by the jack off jill track "lollie rot"
5. Miss Piggy in Pink- Used very rarely derived from the fact I had pink hair, a piggy noes and a deep admiration for the Muppet in question. Only ever used in person my little sister who would call me miss piggy when I was getting on her nerves
6. Hipunk Emoth- a phrase coined by some friends trying to describe what subculture I fell in to Hippy Punk Emo Goth was as specific as people got!
well there you go lovelies a comprehensive tour through my many identities, I think for the most part I have settled on my names now however in just over 12 months time I am due to be married which means a whole new name and also a new identity as a wife so it will be interesting to see how that transpires. Hope this was interesting enough and not too long! speak soon darlings xx
